Complicated Hope

I'm sorry that we've been a little MIA these past few days.  Honestly, I think it's because I'm personally having some serious head/heart disconnect and I'm having a hard time putting it to words.

First of all, all of the celebrations though.  Jonah's MRI to check the progress of his tumors was very favorable.  There was noticeable reduction in tumor load.  Our team is very happy with these results and told me that it was unrealistic to expect there to be no tumor load after 2 treatments.  Also, despite high doses of cisplat (chemo drug), which often negatively impact hearing, Jonah's hearing is still intact.  In terms of physical developments, Jonah is talking up a storm, expressing his opinion on just about everything.  He's eating more food, standing longer, taking more steps, sitting up straighter, practicing writing and on and on.  If you haven't seen him in a while, you'll be amazed at how much better he seems.  As a product of his improvements, he was able to come home for a few hours this weekend which was a gift like no other to all of us.

So much to celebrate, so much to cherish.  Glimmers of hope shine brighter and brighter every day.  It is in all of the good, that I find myself more overwhelmed and scared.  Maybe it's the initial adrenaline wearing off, I don't know.  I think that in this world, with hope comes fear.  Real hope in this world puts your heart on the line as disappointment could be around the corner.  Romans 5 talks about suffering and hope.  It says "We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit."  The hope of Romans 5 can only be understood in the preceding verses though, "Therefore, since we have been  justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God."  The hope that does not disappoint is the hope of heaven, not the hope of healing.

Yet, even as my heart grieves the unknown outcomes, God fills my day with other reminders - "Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act" (Psalm 37:7), "Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth, He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak." (Isaiah 40:28-29), "Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around." (Proverbs 13:12), "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23).  These are the verses that come in my devotions, and they are somehow spot on to speak to my heart.  I want guarantees that this world just can't give, and so I'm trying to feebly look to God to strengthen me in my weakness, to wait patiently, to celebrate our good breaks and rest in the new mercies of each morning.  I wish it were as easily done as it is said, but this is where I can prayerfully put my effort.  I can't control our outcome, I can't control the cancer, but I can guard and grow my heart which will help.