No Regrets

The Sunday before our lives changed forever, Jonah stumbled into our bedroom in the night asking me to come sleep with him in his room.  It was the middle of the night, and we're a house of order, so we don't "do" that sort of thing.  I sent him back to his room and that was that.  Then came Jonah's diagnoses and my struggle with that single decision began.  I missed the last chance to snuggle with my "healthy" boy, and I want to regret that decision over and over.  The thing is, I didn't know he was sick then, I didn't know he had a beast living inside his head.  If I did, it would have changed everything.  I didn't know though, and we don't live lives assuming every moment will be our last.  How can you live a productive, God honoring life that way?  Sometimes the "right" decision is hard, sometimes the "right" decision is "go back to bed".

This has caused a lot of reflection - do I wish I'd had more special moments with Jonah at kamp, do I wish I hadn't gone to Malawi this summer to be with Jonah instead, do I wish we'd played more at the beach together in Avalon, do I wish I'd been more intentional about enjoying his silly sense of humor, big kind heart and energetic living?  Yes, No and Kind Of.  That's the thing - as Jonah's mum, I'm still defined by more than just Jonah.  I have 3 other children, a husband, a calling to be obedient to Christ, friends, other family, gifts & talents and interests.  All those things together make me who I am.  We did have special moments at kamp, Malawi was a great experience, we played at the beach and I love the silly, big hearted exuberant moments, but if I let those be the only things that matter, I become less than I am, less than God called me to be.

It's hard; now that Jonah's sick, now that things are different, I want to look back and rewrite things though.  I want a rewrite that always allows me to watch him on his bike instead of doing PTA things, a rewrite were we read stories instead cooking dinner, a rewrite where we build sand castles instead of me talking to friends.  I want to use what's happening as a cautionary tale to everyone (myself included) that you should always drop everything and break rhythm for those you love, because you never know which moment will be your last.  Then I remember, that's not who God called me to be.  God has called me to wisely use the gifts and talents He entrusted me (see the parable of the gold talents in Matthew 25:14-30).  He has made me organized, pragmatic and capable of planning.  He has gifted me with a full and delightful family and wonderful friends.  I didn't make the wrong choice in the original version of life, I made a choice that was in step with who God has made me to be.  Coming to terms with that means letting go of regret and appreciating what was and what is.

Things are more different now than I ever imagined, and some of my decisions are different now than they were before.  I am more inclined to break rhythm for those I love, but not always.  Occassionaly I am slow to respond to the outside world when snuggles are in order.  Often I make special moments with the other kids instead of talking to friends.  Sometimes I talk to friends instead of listening to music and sometimes I'll sing praises to God instead of reading.  I indulge Jonah (and Noah, Anna & Julia too, if I'm honest) more than my "house of order" self would have and we count each moment as precious.   I am rebalancing my norm as God grows me through this, but not changing who I am.  I am working to appreciate what was and what is so that no matter how this ends I can have no regrets.