Unqualified

I feel very unqualified for the life that we're currently living.  "They" (the medical community) are always asking us which impossible choices we want to make - chemo or radiation, keep the medicine that may help him talk sooner but may be the reason he's throwing up or take him off, bring him to a packed ER when his white counts are non-existatnt for a critically low platelet level or wait until morning, add any natural supplements to his treatment or stick solely with conventional treatment and on and on.  These aren't decisions that have easy answers, and usually both options stink, and this is the world we have to navigate.  It is exhausting, it's scary and it's the norm.

I consider myself to be a person of at least average intelligence, and I feel so out of my depths all the time.  Which is the right choice; what will make Jonah better in the long run but also protect him in the near term?  What decisions will harm him and what decisions will help?  I just don't know, I never know.

Those of you who know me, know that I'm a bit of a Type-A planner.  I'm not very spontaneous and do a bit of research before coming to any important decision.  I don't like the "fly by the seat of your pants" nature of illness.  The decisions that we have to make are big, and often made with little to no time to research and survey.  I guess this is one of the ways cancer is growing me.  I'm going to be honest, I don't like this growing, but necessity breeds ability and that's how I do it, because I have to. The "why" I do it is easier, it's that sweet little boy that is being snuggled by his loving siblings.  He makes our family complete and we will do hard things that we don't like, don't feel qualified for, because we love.  I guess in these circumstances, it is love and not knowledge that qualifies.